Cate

I realized I completely left out any discussion about God in my previous post, which is weird because it’s supposed to be one of the primary points.

For the record, I’m not sure if there is a God.  And I’d rather admit to everything I don’t know instead of insisting on something I can’t prove.  So it’s open-ended for me.

What I can grasp, though is that everything in the universe is connected.  And perhaps the concept of God is what many people use to represent and personify the culmination of everything combined.

But let’s suppose there is a God.  A lot of people who have their doubts believe anyway for fear of being punished in some form for their lack of faith.  You know, believe anyway kasi kung meron pala, patay ka!  I find that weird.  People say that God created everything.  Everything.  From every single person who has and will ever live and his/her complexities, out to the entire expanse and depths of the universe and beyond, which we haven’t even found the boundaries of.

So if God is really out there, he must be a really unimaginably huge, all-knowing and powerful person.  BUT!  Makitid ang utak at puso niya.  Do not be fooled by the vastness of the universe he created.  He will only accept those who believe in him.  If you die doubting him he will be so offended and so stern that he will slap you silly all the way to the fires of hell.  You bad, bad child. 

I find that extremely inconsistent.  He’s BIG but he’s also close-minded.  And vain.  And needy.  And seeking acknowledgement.  And utterly lacking in understanding for someone who is supposedly all-knowing and all-loving and who created all these people with different mindsets, temperaments, beliefs and ways of thinking (myself included).  Parang clingy, insecure girlfriend lang.

I am not afraid to doubt.  The worst that can happen is that I will be proven wrong (which by the way, I wouldn’t mind; hindi ako attached).  And if ever I am and there turns out to be a God, I trust that he will understand me infinitely deeper than I understand myself; why I do everything I do.  I trust that he will honor my curiosity and my genuine desire and effort to understand the world around me; my willingness to explore and try on different views and figure things out on my own.

I doubt there is a God.  But if there were and he turned out to be everything people built him up to be and more, then I wouldn’t have to explain a day in my life.  I wouldn’t have to apologize for anything.  He would just get it.  He would get me.  And it would all be so much more than okay.

Catherine

I don’t usually talk about my faith, and when I am asked why (like I was at a dinner last night), I never really know how to explain.  It was a slow process that involved a lot of thought, transition and leaps of faith, so when I’m asked a flat out why, I never really know where to start, or how to extract the essence of of something so huge.  I usually fumble and end up jabbing at random points in the hopes to achieve coherence.

On diversity

Why am I agnostic?  Well it started when I noticed Christianity actually had a very limited view on the world.  I mean strictly speaking, if you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual, you’re out.  If you don’t believe in Jesus, you’re out.  Any kind of mysticism is out.  You must try to be as asexual as possible before marriage.  Some people were bothered by the fact that I drank and partied often and showed up late at church.  Things like that.  And yes, they like to say they don’t judge and preach about the grace of God for sinners, but that’s really just a nice way of saying they’re being patient and hoping that in time you’ll realize the error of your ways and go back to the light.  In short, they’re still crossing their fingers that you’ll change.

To me that is such a waste of diversity.  There are billions of people around the world who don’t fit the bill.  The first reason I left Christianity was because I felt I couldn’t see as many colors as I wanted to see.  I wanted to take it all in.

And yes, I am aware that there are Christians who are more open and spiritual than strict, but I’m the kind of person who likes to either take things wholeheartedly or not at all.  I didn’t want to have to debate with anybody how Christianity/Buddhism/Islam should be.  I don’t want to have to nitpick what I do and don’t believe in, so I just let it all go and built my faith back up from scratch.  It was so much simpler that way. 

On religion

It’s not that I invalidate other religions.  As a matter of fact, I pay very close attention to their philosophies because I find value in them.  I find value in the spirituality of other people.  It’s like I have a shopping cart —I’m always open to be contributed to.  I find mass peaceful.  Some texts in the Bible make worlds of sense.  I like the serenity of Buddhism.  I diss Christians a lot, but when my mom once opened up to me about her faith in Jesus, I knew that she was right where she ought to be.  I wasn’t going with her, but it was clear to me that where she was was perfect.

But religion also complicates things.  The rituals are just the beginning.  What bothers me are the rules, criteria for inclusion, and especially the stories and “facts” that are made up that you’re supposed to believe in to be called a believer.  I mean, when you listen to prophecies and texts from other religious writings it clearly sounds like fiction, but your own are no doubt THE TRUTH.

You don’t need to believe in sacred stories to live a good life. And when you believe in too much fiction, it also robs you of the ability to recognize what is right in front of you.  It can work like a filter.

And I guess that’s it.  Agnosticism allows me to appreciate as much of the world as I can and to have a clearer view on things.  For example, in this Catholic country, if you get around so to speak, a lot of people will automatically conclude that you’re slutty and immoral.  I have a very good friend who has had more than 300 sexual partners.  He continually encourages me to fuck as much of the world as I can, which I have no plans of doing —not because I think it’s immoral but it just isn’t my kind of thing.  But we get along beautifully.  We will never be lovers (he’s gay), but I consider him a life partner.  Our conversations are always filled with a passionate outlook on life and what we’re going to do next.  We update each other on the progress of our dreams via Facebook chat on a regular basis.  And this is a relationship I would have missed out on if I had consulted the Bible or my pastor or the Christian code about how to feel about this guy.  And to me he isn’t immoral or anything equally derogatory.  Some words are made to represent facts, and others our automatic interpretations of these facts.  He has had more than 300 sexual partners.  Period.  If you make your judgments from there, then you won’t be able to see much of who he really is and what he’s really like.  I’m glad I didn’t miss out on him.

On morality

I find it weird when people ask me where I get my moral compass from, now that I practically don’t believe in God.  I find it weird because I never really thought about that.  It’s like being asked, “So how do you breathe now?”  When I realized I wanted to be Agnostic, I didn’t suddenly want to kill my mother, steal my friends’ cellphones, rob the bank and rape our dog, Snowball.  Um, ganon pa rin.  Still normal.  The best explanation I could come up with was the golden rule.  Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.  Try your best not to hurt anybody.  And obey the law, I guess.

Actually, depending one’s moral compass on your belief in God is even more frightening.  What if one day we could disprove God’s existence?  Does that mean you’re going to go crazy?  Like all your goodness is dependent on the God-leash?  Or whether you go to heaven or hell?  That’s scarier.  Authentically good people are good because they’re good.

I also love Agnosticism because it allows me to embrace my humanity, even on those days when it is so terrible that I wish I were a robot instead.  It is so much easier to get up and be a better person when you have compassion for yourself and can let every breakdown, every emotion and state run freely through you.  Some people miss out on their humanity because they’re trying so hard to be strong and righteous and pure all the time.  And that is such a (constipated) shame.  As I always say, “Habang tao ka, maging tao ka.” 

On love

I watched two videos today about how some people view atheists, and one negative comment that struck me was, “They have no love in them.  They have no love in them.  So all the signs, whatever gibberish you wanna spout at me.  You don’t have any love in you.  You have no love in you.  So it’s all worthless.”  And he said it with so much conviction and ironically, with cold hatred (read: zero love), that it was chilling.  That cannot be farther from the truth.  It hurts me that anyone would think that way.  I may not be the mushy type, but I know I love my family deeply.  My parents are getting older and I am suddenly aware of their mortality, unlike when I was a child.  And I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it.  These days, at the back of my mind, I am always praying for as much time as possible, or even more than that.  The shifting of my faith has brought a lot of friction between us.  But these days I pick less fights with them because even now while they’re very much alive, I know I won’t have them forever.

So don’t tell me I don’t know how to love.  I am not made of cardboard.  I have warm blood flowing through my veins, just like you.

On meaning

So what does life mean now that you don’t have God handing you your destiny?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  And really, whenever you watch those videos that zoom out into the vastness of outer space and the universe, what does your “destiny” mean out there?  Nothing.  And for some people that’s an awfully scary place to get lost in.  But my atheist friend and I absolutely love it!  We have so much fun.  Because we get to create our own stories.  We get to choose what games are worth playing, what problems are worth solving.  We give birth to passion not because it’s necessary, but because we want to.  We love our families not because they’re our family, but because we choose to hand it over as a gift.  Ever heard the phrase, “I love you and it has nothing to do with you”?  Love is so much more profound that way, when it comes from nothing.  No conditions, no past.  Just you loving them.  Even Creationism says that God created the world from nothing.  The beauty of nothing lies in how it’s the only place from which you can make anything arise.

We wake up everyday to our limited lives and choose where it goes, spending our time gratefully.  It is freedom, choice, playing big games and having vivid fun while at it.  We ourselves create what our life means and we own it fully.  And yes, it’s possible to wield that kind of power without developing a God-complex.  I mean, realistically speaking we can still get our asses kicked.

Conclusion

So you see, it’s not bleak or cold at all.  Quite the opposite.  I’m not writing this to convert anybody.  I just wanted to share, especially since I’ve encountered quite a number of curious people who can’t imagine why and what it would be like.  So here’s a little glimpse into my Agnostic world.  If your current beliefs give you just as much or perhaps even more, then I am very happy for you.  I do recognize that this isn’t exclusive to Agnosticism/Atheism.  I’m good friends with a Catholic priest who can boast of everything I just boasted about as well.  I watch him live and yes, he does have it all.

So why Agnosticism?  I don’t know.  Why Christianity?  I guess we all just have different ways of taking the universe in.  Ang galing no?

Catherine

ps. If you disagree with me, that is perfectly fine.  But please don’t turn into these people on this video.  It was so chilling that I couldn’t watch it again.  Some of them were so hateful that they reminded me of those Nazi movies where soldiers coldly shot people point blank, to be honest.  Or those incidents of people getting abused, tortured or killed just because they were gay.  No one was harming anybody in the video, but the essence was definitely there in some shots.

I know the talk with Toti Dalmacion of Terno Recordings was supposed to be more educational about the music industry than inspirational.  But somehow, “You have to pay your dues,” is the one phrase that continues to ring in my head two days later.

I know what I want and what I deserve.  I also have no problem asking people for it.  But I apparently have an aversion to the dirty and small work and to being in a position where I have yet to prove myself.  I have a tendency to be impatient and proud; a tendency to want the gold right away.

The thing is, I know what it’s like to get a big break without doing the ground work for it —from practically zero experience to being with one of the oldest and most respectable bands.  And you know what happened?  It collapsed in two weeks.  Believe me when I say that when it comes to having a professional singing career, having a voice is not enough.  There is so much more that needs to be developed.  I was surprised too, actually.

What I didn’t realize about big breaks back then was that they came with big demands —demands that you have to grow for in order to fulfill.  The scrawny kid who says he wants to be an Olympic swimmer and the strong, agile man who actually fulfills it in the end are not the same person.

I’ve been reluctant to take the pains to grow.  It’s funny how someone like Sir Toti, someone I just met, unwittingly uncovered one of my blind spots for me right while I was interviewing him in front of a room full of people.  He wasn’t even talking about me.  He was talking about one of the bands under his label.  But it struck me, and suddenly I was so aware of exactly what has been slowing me down.  Ironically it was my impatience.

Life is a painstaking process, but once you willingly surrender to it, it doesn’t seem so bad.  It becomes an enjoyable journey, even.  There’s always a new opportunity to break yourself apart so you can come back together in a whole new way, able to hold so much more.  If that’s not beautiful, then I don’t know what is.

Catherine

“Were the Eraserheads the end of cultural history?” asked a disheartening article I read at the start of this year, January 1, 2012 to be exact.  Happy NEW year to you too!  Personally I never was a fan of views that wept over so-called “Golden Ages.”  Ever notice how there is no such thing as a Golden Age that occurs in the present, and how the now is often spoken of as bleaker version of the past?  That’s right.  Hindi tayo marunong mag-move on sa life.  The evolution of Philippine popular music goes on.

Which is why I’m excited about the upcoming talk we’ll be having with Toti Dalmacion, founder of Terno Recordings, the record label that brought us bands like Radioactive Sago Project and Up Dharma Down, and continues to give us more innovative acts to look forward to.  “Challenge your pop sensibility,” their tagline goes.  And they do just that.  Up Dharma Down is a very good example.  I’ve always admired how they could sound so different, unlike anything we’ve ever heard before, and yet strike a wide-reaching chord that we Filipinos proudly call our own.  I was at Terno Inferno recently, the gig where Terno showcases its artists to a highly perceptive, late-night, Red Horse drinking audience at Saguijo.  And believe me, they have so much more up their sleeve.  More importantly, it’s all happening now.  So if you want to join the *Eraserheads happy new year club, be my guest.  But if you want to know where our popular music currently is and where it could possibly going, you are highly encouraged to drop by our informal discussion.  It’s free!

We’ll be covering a lot, from the man, the label, the artists, popular music trends and sensibilities both locally and on a global scale, the projected future and so much more.  There will also be an open forum at the end for any of you who may have questions and angles that you want to share.  This event is open to all, especially those who come not only to learn but to contribute.

See you!

Catherine

*I mean no disrespect to the Eraserheads (or the author).  What they did for the industry is huge and they are in fact one of the main subjects for my thesis.  Just wanted to stress the importance of the now.  Nostalgia must always be nothing more than a mere and temporary indulgence, not a way of life.  Cheers!